Reality bite and when it does eventually does, it tends to bite you pretty fuking hard and sometimes draws blood and makes you bleed. Why is it you always realize things more clearly after the fact? Why do we often disregard signs that flare up along the way. After, I broke off relationships with my ex, I was fairly certain I didn't want to venture down the painful and extremely stressful path again, because lets face it building relationships is already hard enough without the added stress of distance complicates things further. There are a lot of factors I chose to ignore. Including the fact that two people essentially need to be on the same page at the same time in order for anything to grow and flourish. It isn't enough to share care for someone deeply and mesh well with someone, and sad as it is simply loving someone isn't going to cut the mustard. Because, I have realized that commitment takes effort and perseverance, but you can't expect that other person to be exactly in the same position as you. You may essentially want the same things, but if you want them more or sooner therein lies the dilemma. You can overlook these things, but that's the thing the heart and the mind don't always consult each other. The heart wants what it wants regardless if the mind is say whoa wait a minute don't do it!
As the verses in the song go, '"if I knew then what I know now...'" Would I have done things differently with '"him'"? Do I regret disregarding the emergency flares? I will have to say a resounding, '"no, i don't'" Though I am facing an extremely bittersweet dilemma, I would never take back the time and stolen moments '"He'" and I shared. There isn't a mean bone in his body and honestly believe that he and I shared something special and in some ways have formed an inseparable bound. I was so sure that he was meant to be a part of my life, but I had not ventured to label what we were to each other, but there are something we can't force or change. We are who we are and nothing can be forced including feeling or there the lack of. I am now faced with the notion of having to find a way to view him from a different perspective, because the alternative would be too painful to bare and honestly I can even fathom the idea of trying to be pretending to not care about someone when you know you do. I am afraid that if I can't accomplish this fete, I will lose him entirely, because '"He'" will know I am pretending and eventually I will not be able to keep up the lie and severe the ties completely. I have been on the receiving end of losing a best friend over feeling not being reciprocated or not matched. That is something I regret even till this day. Friends are are hard to come by and unlike falling in love is a trial and error process and a true close friend is always going to be there for you regardless. Finding someone who you have shared so much so openly even given the circumstances is a blessing and I value '"him'" and genuinely believe that we have added something positive to each others lives. To let that all go to the way side would be a travesty, but as much as I want to maintain the relations with '"him'", I must put myself first above and foremost. I have salvage my sanity and keep myself sane at all cost. I hope that he is patient with me as I sort my feelings and regain my footing.
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