Imperfectly Perfect: Learning to love from a new perspective

Having not known each other personally prior to marrying, my parents have been married for over 42 years and seemly have an inseparable bound and share a love that has carried over a lifetime, extended past borders and three continents, even having help support and raise a family of five. And despite all the odds, have made seemingly impossible circumstances a success. Arrange marriages have been customary in many cultures and is still a practice that is prevalent even today in countries throughout Asia and maybe even the world. Having stumbled across an amazingly wonderful old candid interview with Lena Horne, she said, “I learned to love him over the 24 years we were together.” This is the maybe the first real time I have ever heard someone say that they were able to learn to love someone. To me it is somewhat of a foreign concept and being that I am an admitted die-hard optimist and a hopeful romantic and when it came to love, I have always allowed my heart to roam free; leading me astray sometimes unknowingly leaving my sensibility behind. And well as history serves as a reminder, it hasn't always served me well. Now as I am encroaching on the summit of turning 40, I find myself wondering, can you learn to love someone? Is it cheating yourself or ‘settling’ to be with someone who may be good for you in many ways but doesn’t pull on your heartstrings?

Growing up, I remember the first time I stumble across the romance genre. My parents sent me to stay at the house of a close family friend, a lovely couple with two young sons. The room which they prepared for me was towards the back of the house in one of the spare bedrooms where she had several stacks of novels many of which were what one would consider romance novels. I found myself filling the hours before bedtime engrossed in the torrid erotic tales of love affairs and scandalous rendezvous. I know what you maybe be thinking, ‘”romance novels, really?’”. Hey, I am not ashamed to say it but there have been some fairly stimulating storylines that fuel the overly active imagination of a very impressionable teenage. And I still from time to time enjoy reading romance novels because they are filled with passion and exhilarating moments that sent the heart racing with anticipation. 

I suppose we all have been influenced by many factors in our lives such as the big screen box office hits, novels, and even songs. Love a common theme is found in all in all aspects of popular culture. I have always felt that the only reason to marry someone was because you loved each other entirely and wanted to spend your lives together. Over the years I've learned that people marry for many reasons and some of those marriages are long term and “successful” even though there is little in the way of passion. 

Throughout our lifetimes, we seem to be falling in and out of love more times than we care to admit or even realize. Though sometimes through no fault of your own, we have found it difficult to let go of the fears and apprehension long enough to allow someone one close enough to let your guard down and trust someone. Maybe you've been hurt in the past and find it hard to completely trust someone. Or you may have never been in a relationship before and have no idea how to care and love someone. 

Lost’s Challenge: I have found it difficult to let go of my idealistic views on love and its correlation with chemistry and the need for compatibility in order for love to prosper and grow.My bittersweet experiences with love has taught me some lessons that sustainable loving relationships require far more than chemistry and passion, it requires patience and willingness to work towards a common goal despite rough patches and learning to recognise opportunites to find love. It's a challenge to learn to think outside the proverbial box. Could it be enough for someone to love and want to be with you more, than you want and love them? I have found some essential steps that will hopefully guide me as I attempt to view love in its natural form not from the rose tinted hourglass and to adapt to viewing it from a new perspective on trusting your partner and essentially learn to love.

• Forget the fear. Fear is arguably one of the most common reasons for not being able to accept peoples love or let them in. Don't let previous experience ruin what you have going learn from them don't forget them but don't let them stop you from enjoying yourself and finding future love. 

• Appreciate yourself. When dating someone with low self esteem it's quite obvious and in most cases its a turn off. However because of your low self esteem you often struggle to accept the fact people care about you because you don't care/ love yourself. 

• Give love a try. Be positive don't always think negative, not everyone has negative intentions, remember it nice to be loved it and it's nice to be cared for and looked after especially when some genuinely wants to do it. Let down some of your defenses, this may be difficult to begin with at first but it can be master with practice. 

• Share your feelings. Sharing your feelings is a great way of bonding with someone and a great way of building trust. When you share your fears and hopes with someone you care about your relationship often grows stronger and healthier as more of an understanding is built. 

• Remember at the end of the day by not letting your guard down every once and awhile and accepting people gestures and kind efforts toward you ultimately miss out. It's understandable that previous bad experience have made you think twice about peoples true motives but every it no bad and everyone deserves a chance.